In Community, Editors' Picks, Health

One line. 

Like last month, I’m equal parts disappointed and relieved.  On one hand, I wanted to get on with it.  On the other, I’m excited to crack a beer and plot tomorrow’s adventure.  I’m not pregnant yet.  Darn, and also phew.

Let’s not mince words here, I know I want kids.  I’ve always wanted kids. I went through a period  in my late-20s where I made myself question the kid-wanting, and still, I arrived at the conclusion that it was, in fact, the kids that I want.  It’s just that children were always a concept for me; a far off, nebulous “someday” that didn’t have to be real until I was ready.

My husband, on the other hand, was ready before we were even engaged. He even went so far as to suggest getting the party started while I was planning our wedding so we could just knock it all out at once.  First of all, no. I want to drink at my wedding and second, just no. But third… well, therein lies the real truth.  Third, I’m a runner.  And I have plans.

 

The Choice

One early morning in December of 2016, my husband and I went for run up our snow-filled canyon.  It was the day of the Hardrock 100 lottery, the day I would find out if I was selected for my dream race, seven years in the making.  But we weren’t talking about the race.  We were family planning.  You see, I had originally agreed to start trying after the 2016 summer season.  But due to race lottery losses and random sickness, I didn’t have the year I wanted.  So I needed more time, I told him.

Of course, I was always going to need more time.  I can’t imagine myself ever arriving at the conclusion that I’ve done everything I want with regards to my running, calling it good, and fly-fishing off into the sunset.  And besides, I’ve had my butt kicked by enough badass moms to recognize that life as a competitive runner is not over once you’ve opened the ‘ole ovaries for business.  Far from it.  But as a 33-year-old woman, it was definitely time.  At least, time to make a time.  And so, we agreed that regardless of whether I got into Hardrock in July, and regardless of what happened at Angeles Crest in August, come Fall 2017, I would stop registering for races for a bit and focus on starting a family.  I felt good about it, I’m sure in part, because it was still over half a year away, and soon enough, doubly good about it, because I finally got into Hardrock.  I knew that no matter what, I was going to be pumped to make a baby when September rolled around.

Only here we are, and here I still stand, conflicted.  I had fully expected to feel really content at this point, considering I did have the opportunity to not only race Hardrock, but also have an epic training trip beforehand, filled with amazing adventures and plenty of time to myself. But that is only half of it.  The other half looks at how I got myself into the best shape of my life this summer, and how there’s still so much more to achieve with my running.  And how maybe I could achieve some of that right now by building off of that fitness.  I’m not doubting my choice to put the competing on hold for one second, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grieving over it.

Brandy Erholtz, 40, world-class mountain runner and mother of two boys. Erholtz had been running for 24 years before taking a break from serious competition to have children.

Brandy Erholtz, 40, of Dillon, CO shares a similar sentiment, and makes me feel like I’m not a selfish asshole for the duality.  “Although I had many friends who had children by this point and told me of the joy, I was terrified about giving up my body and whether I’d be able to compete at the same level again,” she says. “Sponsorships, world championships, traveling, etc. can become a bit addicting. Just one more race, or one more year…” she trails off, and I find myself nodding in agreement.  I’m over here wondering if writing this article alone is a mistake, given that I don’t yet have contract renewals from all of my sponsors.

By the way, Erholtz is a 5-time US Mountain Running Team member, with numerous world-class finishes at a variety of distances.  The stakes were high for Brandy, yet she, too, had always known she wanted kids and knew it was time.  So at age 36, with 24 years of running and over 10 years of competing at an elite level, she just did it. 

Writing this article largely came out of my own desire to reach out to runners like Erholtz, who could perhaps give me some advice in traversing the hall of mirrors that is my pre-fetal mind. The internet had no shortages of op-eds on being a mom who is navigating running trails and ultras, but what about the trail/ultra runner who wants to navigate becoming a mom?  As I scrolled through my rolodex (read: iPhone) of the trail running mothers I knew, I discovered that there was definitely an interesting classification of the group:  those who became MUT (Mountain-Ultra-Trail) runners after having children, and those who already had established careers to put on hold for child-rearing. I was both in and interested in the latter.

Jen Benna, 38, of Reno, NV started running ultras in 2003 (that’s age 24, if you don’t feel like doing math) and didn’t have her first child until 2010.  By then, she had already firmly established herself within the community, as had her husband.  Realizing that there was never going to be a perfect time to start their family, they decided to go on one last pre-baby adventure – a bike-packing trip from Oregon to Mexico – and just leave the rest up to fate.  Benna was pregnant by the time they returned.  “If you’re 70% ready, that’s as ready as you’re ever going to be,” she told me with a laugh. “There’s never going to be 100%.”

 

A Trying Time

OK, so we’re doing this. Perhaps its a little unconventional to be scheduling conception attempts around a race calendar rather than ovulation, but here we are. And I say “we” in the sense that I don’t discount my husband’s experience for one second. As runners, it will be a huge change for both of us. However, he knows just as well as I that the, ahem, heavy lifting is going to lie on me, the woman of the family.  I’ll be setting aside my running career, my professional career and while I’m totally willing, my husband won’t have to. At least not to the same degree.  On more than one occasion, I’ve openly wished that he could carry the baby, instead of me. And I wasn’t joking.

Part of the problem right now is that I have stopped putting things on the calendar.  Ultrasignup isn’t getting any of my money, and the only goal I currently have is to create a healthy environment to grow a human.  Yes, that involves staying strong and fit, but its honestly hard to find the motivation to push, when there’s a part of me that is like, “what’s the point? I’ll be gaining weight and losing speed soon anyway.”  Of course, maybe a little loss of fitness, a few extra pounds and a renewed focus isn’t such a bad thing.

Erholtz became pregnant very quickly after making the decision, and in retrospect, suggests I look at things a little differently.  “I knew it would be mental anguish to take a pregnancy test month after month and get a negative result because if I hadn’t been pregnant, I would’ve still wanted to be as fit as possible to compete at my ‘normal’ level,” she says.  “I don’t ever weigh myself but typically in the winter I gain 5-7 pounds – I can tell by the way my clothes fit – so I think this may have helped me get pregnant.”

Brandy isn’t the first woman I’ve confided in to tell me that chilling on the aggro peak-pushing, mileage bagging, hallucinatory-inducing adventures may or may not be the best thing for conceiving.  Sure, there are plenty of stories to the contrary as well, but I’d like to think they’re right.  My menstrual cycle was crazy irregular while I was training and racing this spring and summer, and now, though I’ve tacked a good 7-10 pounds onto my peak fitness weight, I’m regular.  I’m not in fighting shape, but I still look and feel healthy.  At their advice, I’m working on shifting my perspective to the fact that I’m doing exactly what I promised my husband I would – set aside my own goals, and focus on doing everything I can to create a healthy environment for a baby.  It feels like the most important thing I’ve ever done.

 

Permission to Take a Break

My racing season ended a little prematurely this year.  With the beginnings of an injury at the end of Hardrock, I foolishly tried to run another 100 only three weeks later.  You know, because it was my “last one” and all.  (I say “last one” like the true “woman who has never been nor come back from pregnancy” that I am. It honestly feels unfathomable, no matter what anyone says or does to the contrary.  Pregnancy is crazy.)  Anyway, I dropped at mile 75, barely able to walk, hobbled around on crutches for a few days, and still am rehabbing months later.  I cried when I couldn’t sign up for the race next year.  I couldn’t imagine waiting two full summers to avenge my failure. But also, there was a part of me that was secretly thankful for the excuse.

Jen Benna, 38, mother of two, feels that the experience of labor and raising an infant is well-suited for an ultrarunning mom. As a runner, she already feels really in tune with her body and it was heightened tenfold while she was pregnant.

I think part of the curse of that second category of ultrarunners:  those of us that got into it really early in life, is that there will be eventual periods of burnout.  Especially when you tend to go all in season after season, and would just assume take a DNS rather than JFF it.  (Of course, by JFF, I mean just-for-fun.). Looking back, I arguably went all-er in than ever this summer, choosing to live out of my truck for months and my only responsibility to go for four, five… nine hour runs in the mountains every day.  When I came home and back to reality, I was exhausted.  But like always, I already had my eye on the next prize. 

It’s hard to just step away from it all.  Whether you’re flying high, racking up win after win, or trying to race yourself out of a rut of disappointments and DNFs, there’s always something else.  Benna knows this cycle all too well.  While she decided to let fate determine her first pregnancy, her second came amidst a string of DNFs and races she didn’t feel were up to her potential.  Given that she was also having more trouble conceiving the second time around, her instinct told her it was time to step back.  It’s not a choice she might have made for her running, if it weren’t for the choice she made for her family.

“Pregnancy is the most perfect natural break for your running body,” says Benna.  “You finally give yourself permission to have a meaningful break.  For me, it’s been necessary in my running.”

Ashley Nordell, 37, of Sisters, OR wasn’t looking for a break, but got one.  And in retrospect, credits the downtime during pregnancy as having profound effects on her longevity in the sport.  “I was not that mom who could run though the pregnancy and be out running ten days after giving birth. That was how I envisioned myself before I had my daughters,” she tells me. “Now, years later, I am actually grateful for the forced rest time. I feel like I was able to come back fresh, excited to run, and so much more grateful for the ability to run once I could.” 

 

MAMA FOMO

Alright ladies, you’ve convinced me.  I’m feeling better about it, and am actually starting to experience more hope and less dread for that second line when I test.  Plus, Benna told me that there was a definite hormonal shift when she became pregnant, complete with motherly instincts, wanting to nest and overall just feeling really joyful.  This is the exact information I have been praying for.  I’m counting on you, hormones!

Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that the FOMO isn’t real.  Sometimes, brutally so.  Carly Koerner, 36, of Ashland, OR had already been racing competitively for seven years before becoming pregnant with her first child.  Like Benna, she went with the “fate” plan with regards to kids, and her first came as a bit of a shock.  Pregnancy wasn’t the bliss that the internet told her it would be, and it didn’t make things easier having the world of trail running keep revolving while she couldn’t participate in it in the same way.

“I did feel resentment at times and had to really find my own strength to persevere,” shares Koerner.  “Until birth, and even for awhile thereafter, it wasn’t as much a reality for my husband as it was for me, and that was a huge challenge.  Not only because I was jealous of what he was able to do (late in our pregnancy), but also because I couldn’t physically be there. It sucked! I felt unsupportive and also left out.  It also challenged me as a someone who doesn’t ask for help, or know how to receive it. We weren’t set up well in our relationship to navigate that, so his ability to carry on as usual really got to me.” 

The author taking enjoying views of the San Juan Mountains from an old mining structure.

My husband, too, is one of those people who can roll with just about anything, and find happiness in everything.  An amazing trait, no doubt, but jealousy of him is something I’m already experiencing as I watch him cycle back into training while I head off for what can only be described as half-assed jogs, trying to find the joy and meaning in it.  I’ve taken Koerner’s advice to heart, and am talking openly in our home about both my mental state and how I can still be a part of the racing environment through him.  It’s helpful to know he’s sympathetic and supportive of my situation, and to feel included in his process even though we’re no longer out there doing workouts together.  I often, with a wink, remind him that he’ll be racing for two.

I may have something to look forward to, in that regard.  Benna’s husband had his best year of racing while she was pregnant.  She shares that crewing for him and other friends and getting on the “other side” of the sport made for the most enjoyable year of her life.  “Sure, you longingly look at trails while you’re driving. At races, sometimes you feel left out for a second, “ she says.  “But then you’re like, man I’m growing a baby, this is rad.”

Erholtz chimes in with another piece of Mama-FOMO that I’m dreading.  “Although it was nature’s way, I found myself irrational, angry, sad, feeling guilty at times for my feelings as I knew what a blessing pregnancy was. In addition to not being able to train/trace/travel at my normal level, I enjoy a good craft beer and good coffee both of which are taboo while pregnant.”  YOU AND ME BOTH, SISTER.  Among my biggest vices in life lie beer, coffee, sushi and sparkling water, and I’m very aware that pregnancy will allow me to have exactly one of those things.*  The thing is, I think its less about the act of setting aside my favorite treats, and more about the fact that I have to.  For many of us, a post-run coffee or beer are woven into the social fabric of our sport.  And while trivial, it feels exceedingly unfair that I will no longer be able to participate in any part of the ritual. Sure, there’s hiking or running slower behind the group, decaf coffee, and its not illegal to hang out at a brewery without ordering a beer.  But since the joys of motherhood are a 100% unknown for me right now, it feels like yet another annoying way my lifestyle has to change, while my husband’s can proceed as normal.  Honestly, I’ve felt really ashamed for even having these thoughts, so it’s really helpful to hear that other trail sisters have felt the same way.

[*I realize that there is conflicting advice out there on what is actually considered safe during pregnancy, but this is not that article.]

As for my final fear, it was confirmed by Nordell.  Overanalyzing my theoretical pregnancy, because that’s exactly the sort of thing I do, I thought myself right into a nice conundrum.  If running is what helps me work through all of my biggest mental and emotional battles, what will happen if I can’t run?  I know quite a few women who, for a variety of reasons, were not able to run through their pregnancy, Nordell being one of them. ”Every time I left a doctor’s office with some stressful news, I couldn’t go get that release on the trails,” she recalls.  “I was fortunate that I could still cross train – I took lots of walks and even cross-country skied a bit – but I could only do anything that didn’t cause significant jarring.”

Ashley Nordell, 37, mother of two daughters, always thought she’d be the mom who ran through her whole pregnancy, but the reality was quite different. She learned that no two pregnancies are the same, so its very important not to compare yourself to others.

While trail running would definitely be in that “significant” category, I can’t think of anything more jarring than having it taken away at the time when I need it most.  But I find hope in looking at Ashley, who with two beautiful daughters, ages 3 and 6, is definitively back to gracefully crushing the ultra running scene. At some point in our running careers, most of us will have a temporary setback limiting what our bodies are able to do.  Pregnancy, when viewed as such, is actually awesome because you receive not only your health, but the prize of a tiny human at the end.

 

Increasing Obstacles

There have been more than a few comparisons to injuries, forced rest and setbacks in this article, all which at some point plague the life of an ultra runner.  But in the modern era of the sport, what really are the implications for time off from competing during pregnancies?

Let’s take my Hardrock family planning conversation as an example. Last December, I had six years of lottery tickets in the mix, and a qualifier from the 2015 Angeles Crest 100.  Since a qualifier is only good for two years, and I did not run a 100-miler in 2016, I knew that if I didn’t get in to Hardrock, I would have to complete a qualifying 100-miler this year if I wanted to have the possibility to run the race after pregnancy.  If not, I would have to wait another full year to earn a qualifier, assuming I could even get into one of those races, and I would miss out on two years of accruing tickets. 

Lotteries and qualifications are a valid concern.  Many of us women want to run these big races, such as Hardrock, Western States and UTMB, and are encouraged to do so to make the fields more competitive.  However, the rules for selection are set up in a way that do not favor a woman who wants to start a family.  Currently, none offer deferment for pregnancy, although the Ultra Trail du Mont Blanc (UTMB), controversially does offer it for injury.  According to Stephanie Case’s excellent reporting on the matter for Outside Online, UTMB RD Catherine Poletti told her that, “when you wait for a baby, you choose it.  When you have an injury, there is no choice. We need to accept what we are.”

I’m no biologist, but I’m pretty sure that becoming pregnant isn’t as simple as making a choice.  It can take months or it can take years.  It can be as planned as possible or a complete surprise.  It can involve a healthy pregnancy right off the bat, or it can include agonizing miscarriages.  And here’s the real kicker:  100% of the time, it is the woman who will become pregnant.  When you add the mandatory 9 months of gestation, plus the 6+ weeks off after birth, the few months to safely get back into shape, and any additional pre-conception time one might have taken away from hard training to regulate their cycle, we’re talking a full-year plus away from the scene. And in the case of races like UTMB, away not only from competing in the race but also for running qualifiers to be able to compete after pregnancy.  Assuming I have a baby sometime in 2018, I will have to start completely over with accruing qualifying points in 2019, and won’t be able to even enter the UTMB lottery until 2020.  Guys, it’s 2017. 

Western States has added a tiered refund policy, which seems like a step in the correct direction  for pregnancy-friendliness.  Currently, prospective runners are rewarded for entering the lottery year-after-year, and lose their tickets should they fail to qualify or apply for a year.  However, if selected, you are automatically charged and entered to run.  It would behoove a woman who has accrued multiple tickets to play roulette here, although if she is selected, she will have to pay 25% of the entry fee and she will also lose all of her tickets anyway.

There were rumors this year that pregnancy deferral was on the topic list for discussion by the Hardrock Board, however it appears they’ve actually taken a step in the reverse direction.  Previously, a runner could receive a full refund if they withdrew from the race before June 1st.  Now it is only 50%.  I recently found myself in the position of deciding if I wanted to risk $150 to maybe get to run or maybe be pregnant, and maybe accrue another ticket to increase my odds of being selected to run two years from now.  I went ahead and did it, because I have no idea if I will actually be pregnant or not, and putting everything on hold for one or possibly two years doesn’t seem fair.

Sure you could argue that not everyone wants to run these big races, and that there are plenty of others that can still give us our post-pregnancy fix.  I totally agree, by the way, and I’m thankful for that.  But there are a whole host of competitive women, myself included, who are motivated by these big events and lining up with the best in the world.  You could also argue that setbacks happen and why should a woman who chooses to take time off to have a child receive special treatment over anyone who finds themselves injured or dealing with some other life event that prevents them from competing?  To that, I sympathize, but I also argue that, for many women, pregnancy isn’t so much of a choice as it is a biological duty that we shoulder for our families. And many of us do it right when we are at our peak age of fitness. In a sport with a meager 33% participation rate – a much lower percentage in certain, mountainous races – it often feels like this is just one more way the chips are stacked against us.*

*According to the number of ultra running finishes by gender, Ultrarunning Magazine’s 2016 Stats Roundup, Jan/Feb Issue.

Another major issue many women face is the issue of sponsorship.  I casually mentioned it earlier in this article, but I’ve been scared to publish this article.  In fact, I wrote it four months ago, and am just now working up the courage to let it loose.  I honestly fear that if companies know that I am prioritizing trying to get pregnant over trying to run races, they might not see the value in supporting me next year.  And from a business standpoint, I kind of get it. But I also know that I am not the only one wrestling with these sort of choices, and until we have the courage to make them a more commonplace conversation in society, we’ll all have to continue to make decisions in the dark.  I dream of the day pregnancy won’t be seen as an inconvenience to employers.

Carly Koerner, 36, gets a little help cleaning up from her 4-year-old daughter and two-year-old son at the finish line of the 2017 Cascade Crest 100.

In that regard, it’s like any job, really. I once worked with a female art director who was in a freelance-to-hire position. As the terms of her contract took longer and longer to iron out, she confided in me that she was pregnant and afraid it wouldn’t be long until someone noticed. “Why would they hire me when I’m going to have to go on maternity leave soon?” she thought, and she was right.  While illegal if admitted, no one has to admit it and the burden of proof is almost impossible.  Sponsorships are the same way, and I’m sure at least partially responsible for why no professional athletes have written on the subject of pregnancy until the kid situation is a done deal. As in, not a concept, but reality. While I know that my value with the companies I work with lies beyond winning races, and I’d like to think supporting me through pregnancy would be of value to them, I do know many women whose sponsorships are largely based on podium incentives and racing competitively.  And for many, racing competitively means earning spots in those aforementioned races.  In a sport where monetary support is already low, and drastically lower for females, it can feel like time off for pregnancies can kill the dream of being a professional runner.

And as for those women who have no interest in being a professional runner, and maybe even no interest in running the big, lottery-driven races, many of these principles still apply.  Some races will offer refunds or deferrals and some won’t.  Depending on entry periods, some of us will have to risk hard-earned cash so that we don’t miss out on multiple years of our favorite or goal event. And even if it all works out in a certain case, I’d like to think we all feel for the women at the top of our sport.  We’re inspired by them, we want to see them grow careers that equal their male counterparts, and we’d hate to see them having to choose between their running and becoming mothers to the next generation.  We are truly all in this together, sisters.

[AUTHOR’S NOTE:  I realize this section of obstacles is horribly incomplete and deserves its own entire article.  I am currently working with a data scientist to further research the barriers on female participation in ultramarathons, and we hope to publish our findings sometime soon.]

 

Life After Birth (for mom)

As I’m steering into this new direction in life, I look to the four women I interviewed and all the trail running moms I know as a reminder that everything, truly, has its season.  Every single mom I’ve ever met doesn’t regret their decision for one second, and its that incredible joy that makes me absolutely resolute in my decision.  To many, this discussion may seem petty – like, how dare I lament giving up a few races and a few beers when we’re talking about the miracle of life?!  Well, first of all, it’s more than a few beers, and second, I am fully aware I’m only woeful because I haven’t yet experienced this magnitude of love. And third, I want the child, I just don’t want to be pregnant, which I’m hearing is actually more common than I thought.  It has been incredibly helpful to hear my trail sisters share that they, too, experienced these emotions when deciding to have children, and that while its obviously all worth it, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard.

For the author, knowing she wanted to have children was one thing. Finally deciding to put her running goals on hold and go for it was entirely another.

Of course, there’s a lot to look forward to, as well.  Again, the joy of a love you’ve never previously known being foremost, but there can also be some pretty significant bonuses upon your return to running.  For starters, there are the unexpected lessons during pregnancy.  “I learned that if I started out at an ungodly slow pace that I would warm up gradually and be able to run longer and subsequently further,” says Koerner. “And that has seriously served my in my 100-mile races thereafter.”

As a fierce competitor, Erholtz also found that pregnancy served her well in, and for, the long run.  “It gave me a chance to step back and just appreciate the gift of running, the experiences and the people I gain from the sport.  Now that I have both kiddos, getting to the starting line is such an accomplishment, I almost look at it as “vacation” time!”  This, particularly, resonates with me, as a runner who never seems to be able to find satisfaction from her performances as of late.  I am fully aware of the idea of gratitude for the experience as a concept, but adoption is not something I’ve yet mastered.  My friend Brandy here has suggested that perhaps one of the miracles of childbirth is being able to get me out of my own head.  I’ll be looking forward to that one.

Benna also credits motherhood with her ability to make better choices with regards to that little line all competitive athletes often face:  how much is too much?  She recalls a particular post-child experience at Western States, racing herself into the ground to the point of peeing concerning colors and her body clearly telling her it was seriously damaged.  “I was like, ‘you are a mother now.’ If shit is not right in a race, you are going to have to put your own dreams aside and have your priorities.”  While still in the top-10, Benna dropped in the final miles of the race.  “ I don’t know if I would have made the same decision when I wasn’t [yet] a mother.”

That doesn’t mean that Benna has eased off the gas pedal at all.  With two children, now 3 and 7, she’s just getting started.  “I think I became a competitive athlete after I became a mother,” she says.  “I think you get a different confidence as a mother.  You can suffer a little more.”

Koerner agrees.  “[Now], the time I have to run and race has a whole new meaning, and that, for me, is really huge. I am stronger and more confident in my ability to succeed. My drive has been more focused and more rewarding. And OMG, how rad is the life we are creating for our children!?! I’m so motivated by what this experience looks and feels like to them. It’s really special to bring them up in the community we live in as runners.”

 

Let’s Do This

When it comes to officially trying to get pregnant, I’m realizing it’s like any major decision in life.  There are aspects I can control and many I won’t be able to, so it’s up to me to shift my mindset to one that serves me.  Until now, that has been difficult, as there isn’t much public dialogue concerning this monumental choice.  But reaching out to my trail sisters and engaging in such honest and open conversation has been absolutely paramount to my own mental health in the matter, and has even made me a bit more excited about the prospect of growing a human.

As for where it’s left me in the matter, there are things I’m looking forward to, and things that I am upset about. I’m excited about having a child, but not looking at all forward to gestating it.  That does not make me a terrible, selfish person.  Just an honest one.  Hell, maybe it’s even the opposite.  Not one part of me wants to give up my athletic pursuits for a year in order to have a child, but I’ve never experienced a single iota of hesitation in my willingness to do so. 

“You’ll look back super fondly with having done and accomplished so much before you had a baby,” says Benna. “Not that you don’t have a bunch more goals, but it will morph into having satisfaction and you won’t have regret.”

“You will never regret doing it, but perhaps you will regret it if you don’t,” adds Koerner.  “You can choose to make it easy for yourself or you can choose to make it hard. So all control is not lost. Unless we’re talking the bladder kind.”

Thank you, Brandy, Ashley, Jen, Carly, and all of my other trail sisters who have shared their pregnancy stories with me.  I have been struggling, but now I know, more than ever, that I’ve totally got this.


Read more Katie Grossman: A Woman’s Place

 

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  • Stephanie Violett
    Reply

    This is absolutely BRILLIANT Katie!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks, Stephanie. I really hope more people will start talking about this stuff publicly. I felt really alone until I started doing just that – and I found it’s actually the complete opposite.

  • Natalie
    Reply

    Thank you for this article. Coincidentally, it has come at the perfect time in my life as I am going through this same thing. I keep saying “just one more year of races” or “we can start trying if I do not get in to X lottery.” I feel horrible being so selfish because my husband wanted kids yesterday, but it’s so hard to think about giving up (I know it is a relatively short amount of time in the grand scheme of things) so many things you enjoy and want to take part in. But on the contrary, I know it’s worth it and every race in the future will be that much more fulfilling when there’s a little version of you waiting at the finish line, possibly thinking, “I cannot wait to run like Mommy and Daady.”

    Again, thank you for writing this. It is nice to know I am not alone.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Definitely not alone! And I agree – I keep imagining the joy of finishing a race with a child there. Whether or not he/she ever takes up running, the sport and the people in it are such a positive environment with such tangible life lessons built in. With all the fatalist attitudes out there of how terrible the world is right now and how people can’t imagine bringing a child into it, I honestly feel the opposite. I feel like my world is something I really want to share with the next generation.

  • Molly
    Reply

    This is so good. Thank you for expressing all my concerns, now I know I’m not alone!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks, Molly! You’ve got this too. 🙂

  • Adra
    Reply

    Thanks for writing this, Katie! I am an avid trail runner, rock climber, and skier currently pregnant with my first child (due in March) so I definitely can relate to everything you expressed. I also was someone who wanted kids but dreaded actually being pregnant because it would inevitably impact my ability to do the activities I love. I definitely had a lot of mixed feelings when I first saw the positive pregnancy test! However, I have unexpectedly come to love the process of being pregnant and would never want to miss the experience of these nine months despite the fact that I have run less, climbed lower grades, and missed a ski season.

    It sounds cheesy, but no race, climb, or ski line has made me feel more empowered or love my body more than the experience of being pregnant (I would have rolled my eyes if someone told me this before I was pregnant). It’s also been an invaluable time to learn how to be patient and compassionate with myself and to let go of expectations – all important lessons that I needed to learn. Good luck and, as you said, you totally got this!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Adra, I’m so glad you shared this. Thank you! My mind has shifted so much just from the act of talking with other women and writing this article. I’m looking more and more forward to the experience every day.

  • Trailmomma
    Reply

    Adra speaks truth. The connection you feel as your baby grows and then later when you are feeding him/her and consoling him/her when they cry … and much later when you are sharing the finish lines of your most favorite races with him/her … is priceless, special and magical. I agree that pregnancy and delivery has made me a much stronger runner. Women already have a higher pain tolerance than men (they say), but you will be that much stronger, that much more confident and that much more in-tune with your body post baby and back on the trails. And maybe it is just me, but I cherish, love and value my time on the trails more so now as a mom … snagging a heart shaped rock to bring home to my kids or taking a photo of some crazy sunrise knowing they are fast asleep at home in a warm bed … than I ever did prior to having kids. Follow your heart, listen to what your body is telling you and be kind to yourself. What will be will be.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks for sharing your experience. Everyone I’ve ever talked to always says it’s all absolutely worth it, but it’s always helpful to hear it one more time. Looking very forward to everything you mentioned. 🙂

  • Sheva
    Reply

    Ahhh!! Isnt it funny that life has a funny way of giving you just what you need, when you need it? I am so very glad you decided to share this, because just like a few of the other ladies said, I am going through the very same thing right now!! I am so relieved that someone shares the same sentiment. I have been scared to even share the depths of my thoughts with my husbands because I worry that he might think I am crazy selfish…or insane! Seriously, thanks for sharing and talking about the hard stuff that no one ever talks about! <3

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Sheva, if I can offer one thing, it’s definitely to talk to your husband about how you are feeling. I know I sound crazy sometimes, but it has been super helpful to discuss it all with mine and I really feel like he is understanding what I’m going through, at least to the point of knowing how to be supportive. Plus I don’t feel alone in my myriad of thoughts. And hey – now you have this article, plus all of these women commenting who are going through exactly what you’re going through as backup! All the best to you in this journey, sister!

  • Kyle Harper
    Reply

    This was so inspiring to read! I finally just made the decision to try this year and I’m already sad to be missing out on the prospect of races… And what happens if it takes years? How long do I put on hold serious training, how long do I assume it’s going to happen any day now? This is such a reassuring article – that so many women have these fears and that it’s ok to be sad/wistful for the races that won’t happen.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Glad to hear you’re taking the leap into the next phase too. As you can see by the article and the comments, there are so many of us in the same boat. I hope we all can continue to share our experiences throughout the process!

  • Candice Burt
    Reply

    Beautiful words Katie! Thank you for the deep, honest article.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thank you, Candice! And thanks for being such an impassioned advocate for female trail runners, especially as an RD. Who knows… maybe I’ll finally graduate to a 200 after pregnancy 🙂

  • Cinda Brown
    Reply

    This is lovely, Katie! You’ve captured this all so wonderfully. Motherhood is a shift, from what was to what now is. There are parts of you that stay the same, while many parts of you undergo a shift. Lots of things change, but many of them in such rewarding ways. Some in ways that, in the moment, are seemingly more difficult. Similar in ways so much to distance racing. Taking the eagle eye view, it all smooths out and the overall feeling is amazing, but taken in split second bits can be excruciating. I love that you’re exploring the fear of the unknown, and talking about other mothers about this. The unknown is the exact definition of parenthood. Just playing around with that, exploring, helps to take away the power of the unknown. And there will never be a “perfect” time as stated above. Life keeps us busy and there’s always one more thing to do. The “right” time will come, probably when you least expect it! Thank you for this.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      The conversation started with you, way back at Trail Camp. :). I said it on Facebook, but I’ll say it here too: a sincere thanks for all your advice and guidance. And I’m still so happy about your success at your recent 50 mile… congrats again!

  • Sadie
    Reply

    Great article! I had my son in March 2016, nursed a year (during which running long did not feel like an option), then got back to running. I ran a race almost every month of 2017, including my first 12-hour challenge, first stage race, and first 50k. It was the most exciting year of my running “career”. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and definitely informs some of my decision-making during races. I feel such an immense joy and sense of gratitude when I get to spend the day in the mountains. I am even more thankful when I see my son’s face after leaving it all out there on the trail. Now, I’m ready to give it all up again for another baby. Minus the valid sponsorship concerns, your perspective as a serious and competitive racer is not as different from us weekend warriors as you might imagine. Giving up my runs and races has felt like cutting off an appendage, but it will all be worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 🙂

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks for another example of how awesome motherhood can be, Sadie! And I totally agree that the thoughts and feelings discussed here are applicable for all runners – I never meant to imply that it would be different for anyone of any level, and I’m sorry if it came across that way. My only thought was to acknowledge that not all runners are interested in the big, lottery driven races and so some of those obstacles and concerns aren’t applicable to everyone.

  • Lauri
    Reply

    I’m not an ultra runner or competitive athlete, but I felt ALL the conflicting feelings before getting pregnant. Nothing you wrote surprised me or felt “wrong” – so own your feelings and talk about them. Not everyone (me included) loved being pregnant.

    I won’t lie and say I never resented being pregnant (or not being able to have a beer), but like all things, pregnancy passes. And then you have a baby. And that’s pretty awesome (except when it’s not – cause nothing is perfect).

    My kids are 6 and 1.5 now – I wouldn’t give them up for anything. I’m slowly getting my groove back and excited to move onto the next phase of life.

    I think you are taking a very healthy position on owning and talking about how you feel.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks, Lauri! The more I talk to women in my various circles, the more examples I’m finding of women who feel the same way: not looking forward to the actual pregnancy part or for those with kids, didn’t enjoy the pregnancy part. And this is from more than just runners – women at work, women from yoga and other non-runner friends who have their own passions. It’s funny how many of us feel this way but never talk about it except with each other – we actually all feel pretty alone until we do, because everything out there says pregnancy is supposed to be the most blissful, magical experience ever and we’re supposed to be happy, happy, happy. I’m glad we can all share our honest feelings here and agree that we don’t have to enjoy the pregnancy part to be good mothers. The important part is what happens when they’re here, and all of you wonderful trail sisters keep sharing how absolutely amazing that part is. Thank you for that!

  • Alison Naney
    Reply

    Thank you so much for writing this! I just had my second and felt the same way. I finally decided to start registering for races in the trying phase, as each passing month, while somewhat of a relief, also added pressure to the next month. Of course it just took signing up for a 100 to see two lines!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Ha, well at least you know the recipe for fertilization…. biology class always told me something different. :). Congrats on the recent addition to your family!

  • Ladia Albertson-Junkans
    Reply

    THANK YOU thank you for this. I shared this with my husband because you’ve summed up all my mixed/conflicting/complicated feelings wayyyyyy better than I ever could. So thank you. And thank you to the women you interviewed and those who’ve left comments for sharing their stories and perspective. What a breath of fresh f air 🙂 You rock!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks, Ladia! And I’m glad you shared with your husband, and hope it helped. I’ve been talking to mine about ALLLL of this stuff, and I really do feel like the openness is helping him understand me better and be really supportive. It makes me really confident that we’ll be able to tackle the next phase of all this too. :).

  • Jenny
    Reply

    Thank you SO much for writing this article! This speaks to so many thoughts I’ve always had and it is so encouraging to know that there are other women who struggle with this.

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      Thanks, Jenny. I agree – I find it so incredibly helpful to know that there are many of us who struggle with this aspect of pregnancy, and that we are truly all in it together.

  • Rachael
    Reply

    Thabk you for this! It wasn’t until I started running again after my first that I finally started to feel like myself again. Having a child is totally exhausting at times and can make you feel like you’ve lost a part of your old self. But once I began running again, everything seemed to make sense. When I started contemplating having my 2nd, I shared a lot of the same thoughts and emotions as you. So I did my best to keep up my fitness, ran a couple of shorter races and discovered a love for other sports as well. Now that he’s two months, I’ve been working with a personal trainer to gain back lost muscle strength and am getting back to running sooner and running faster than with my first baby. I’ve honestly never felt stronger and know that since my training time is limited, I don’t take it for granted. I have high running hopes for 2018!

    • Katie Grossman
      Reply

      That is awesome, Rachael! I know (read: I’ve heard) that every pregnancy is different, so I’m holding out hope for a good experience, but also know that it’s a short time in the grand scheme of things and that I WILL eventually get back to it all, whether it’s sooner or later. I’ve heard so many women say that they came back stronger, and I never tire of that message. It’s really hopeful. Thanks for sharing!

  • Kat Schjei
    Reply

    Katie, this is fab. I’m a mom of 3 small kids, mid pack runner, who gave up all of my hard earned HR and WS lottery tickets when I had #3. Felt so unfair but I also felt that I couldn’t complain because I’d sound whiny. The other half of kid #3 didn’t lose his tickets…however, I have come back stronger with each baby and more grateful for reach mile. You really nailed so many excellent points so thank you and GOOD LUCK! Hills with running stroller is excellent AC training. 😉

  • Heather Foley
    Reply

    Despite your (completely legitimate) concerns regarding sponsorships, I am so grateful that you were bold enough to publish this!!! So many sections you were echoing thoughts and almost exact things that I have said.
    I feel so many of the same things and honestly, I have only one less ticket than my husband for WS and Hard Rock and it makes me so mad that I’m the only one that loses out if we have a baby. I also feel that it will be worth while and all of that but just reading this and knowing others feel that way too, makes me feel better!! It was a beautifully written piece that I wish there was more discussion about. Especially that response from UTMB RD. That gets a big eye roll from me. Anyways, this was great. I’m going to share it with my husband so he can get a better worded glimpse into what I’ve been thinking than I’ve been able to articulate.

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